forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Acid is not a monday night drug
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
