just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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