you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Randomize
