What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
