i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
