I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Randomize
