i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Liz is crying about burritos again.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
