I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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