I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
