Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
