Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
