He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
