Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Mom said you looked used
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Randomize
