she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
vagina is talking i cant
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
