This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
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