she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
