somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
it hurts more in the daytime
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
