how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
