life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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