dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
