Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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