Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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