I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize