i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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