We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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