My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
