Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
