In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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