and she was petting her beer can
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
