Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
