For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Randomize
