We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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