why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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