1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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