She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
