Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
