i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I pour the whiskey from now on
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
