my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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