I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
