Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Randomize
