Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
