It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
