if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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