so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
