we have officially lost it.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
