I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
