it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
