just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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