My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
