YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
