If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
