Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
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