Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
