shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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